Tuesday, 29 April 2014

On schedule

The seeker went searching the other day, desperate to understand the debilitating and mysterious abdominal pain I have been experiencing for over seven years.
As it happens, one book led to another and I found myself reaching for a Bernie Siegel favourite.
But the book I had in mind was not the one I needed. Next to it, and quite by surprise was a title that I hadn't yet read. I must've bought it at a second-hand bookshop, popped it on the shelf and forgotten about it. Joy. I love it when that happens!

I tucked myself promptly onto the couch with a blankie and a warmed wheat bag and settled in for some of Dr Siegel's wise words. Three pages into his introduction and I am hooked. Chapter one sub-header, We Are Perfectly Imperfect, and I realise I gotta make some serious notes. But it was page 24 that really hit me.

"Living in the moment doesn't mean you may not schedule things and have plans for the future. But when your plans are redirected, maybe God is trying to get you on the universe's schedule, trying to get you in touch with your intuitive side."

Goose bumps. Big time. And tears.
Boy oh boy...what a way of seeing what happens to you!

I have gone from job to job over the years, looking for the 'right' fit for me. I felt like I was getting closer to finding it and then all these painful symptoms started in 2007 and just got worse and worse - to the point where I eventually had to give up work. Since then I have often wondered if I was actually on the 'wrong' career path and this was the universe's way of telling me.

I had already written a 50,000 word self-help-type manuscript which thankfully wasn't published! But from that came my first published work, Note to Self. A work that I put my heart and soul into. A work that I am immensely proud of. Challenging, but oh so worth it. I learnt so much about myself and my beliefs, and about people and publishing. It was a deeply satisfying experience that I still cherish. But after that, the writing stopped. I took on two new jobs that I thought were going be 'it'.

It turns out they weren't. I was getting more and more unwell with each day that passed and in June 2010 made the very tough decision to walk away from both jobs and do whatever it took to get well.

Four years on and I am still on that path and wondering what it's all about.
And then last Wednesday I read those words in Bernie Siegel's book How to live between office visits ( Harper Collins  1993).
"...when your plans are redirected, maybe God is trying to get you on the universe's schedule, trying to get you in touch with your intuitive side."
Wow. What a refreshing way to view my situation. Instead of feeling misery and wailing why me?  I am able to see the bigger picture and feel a certain comfort in knowing that a greater force is at work here.

So that's what I'm doing. That's what this blog is about. Me getting back on the universe's schedule, trusting my intuition and seeing what happens when I do.
I'll keep you posted ; )  xx

Monday, 21 April 2014

The seeker and the sage

I am a seeker.
I want to know, to understand.
I love books - the wisdom-literature kind.
That is where I go when I want to know.
I have been living this way for years. When life is challenging or I am struggling with a situation or an issue, I want to learn from it so that I can understand myself and others better and use it to heal.
I am also a sage.
I used to think that my voracity for reading self-help books was me searching for the answers outside of myself, but now I realise that the sage within - that part of me that 'knows' -has been guiding me to the words or message that I have so desperately needed in order to understand, to heal.
When I tune in to my inner sage a certain book will come into my life in a seemingly random way, or  a one will stand out on the shelf - I will be drawn to it, and I will go to it and open it at the 'right' page and once there, read something profound - words that uncover and provoke a deep understanding. My inner sage responds with goose bumps - a sure sign that I am exactly where I need to be.

Last week I felt compelled to go to  a book called A Course in Weightloss by Marianne Williamson.
I was feeling flat and troubled about my chronic ill-health (that's a big story, and a long story, and one that you will definitely hear more about as my blog unfolds!) and that book title flashed through my mind.
I have it on my kindle, and since I know better than to ignore such messages, I opened it and read from where I had last stopped because I also 'know' that there will be something in those next few pages that will trigger some great revelation or help me to take the next step in my journey.
Several pages went by and nothing jumped out at me until I read the words blocked love.
Blocked love. Blocked love? Blocked love... Goose bumps!
Years of self-reflection and trying to discover the 'inner' source of my illness and I had never thought about it as a blockage of love - and that by not writing I was stopping the flow. You see for years I have let my fears about writing and sharing stop me from expressing who I really am and what I believe.
But something was triggered when I read those two words and in that moment I decided to allow the love to flow - to create this blog, to share the love and to write my way to good health.
So welcome to my blog! I hope that the learnings I discover and share from my seeker and sage help you as much as they help me.
Love Gena xx