I've been striving to be 'perfect' for most of my adult life.
That meant that I wasn't OK with who I was.
So I went on a self-directed self-improvement binge.
I read hundreds of self-help life coaching type books thinking I had to improve - had to make myself be a better person than I was. I thought I had to 'add' to who I was to do that - 'be more', 'be perfect'; be the perfect mum, wife, woman. Promote my 'best' qualities and pretend the darkside didn't exist.
I believe that this belief and way of thinking for so many years finally caught up with me. That stifling what was organic and natural - the emotions and traits that lived in my darkside - has played havoc with my health.
And I believe that the ill-health I experience is not happening for no reason.
It can't be for nothing.
So I search for meaning in the pain and the gifts that it brings.
There have already been many. And most of them huge. Revelations about life and love and connection. About who we really are and what matters most. Too many to share in one post. And it's not over yet.
These days it is healing I strive for - to be whole.
And to do so requires that I let go...
Let go of what I think other people want me to be.
Let go of trying to be someone that I'm not.
Let go of wanting so desperately to please others and in doing so deny who I am.
Let go of hiding what's in my heart...
Allow me to be me.