I have a deck of her Power Thought Cards on my writing desk. I consult them when I feel overwhelmed or stuck or when I just need a gentle push toward positivity.
Thursday was one of those days. I held them close to my heart and then shuffled them while thinking about the difficulties associated with my physical pain. When the time was right I drew a card at random. This was it ...
I willingly forgive. I breathe love into my vision, and I see with compassion and understanding.
My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight.
I read it over and over, hoping it's powerful message would soon sink in. I see clearly... I see clearly. I really wanted to see clearly, cos I felt like my head was in a fog. Nothing was clear. Just a lot of confusion. I got on with my day which saw me deteriorate - the pain and distension proving too much to bear. An early bed-time beckoned - I couldn't wait to fall asleep to escape the discomfort.
Friday morning came. I woke and did the first thing I always do - checked-in with my belly to see if it had eased.
Verdict : minimal. I was devastated.
I showered and while the house was still quiet, made a cup of tea and sought refuge at my writing desk. I wrote my standard three pages and then sat pondering what to do about my 'belly situation'.
The cards called.
I picked them up, re-read yesterdays card one last time before adding it back into the deck and then started to shuffle.
What am I going to do about this?
What do I need to do about my belly?
What is it I need to know?I asked these questions over and over, praying for the answer to my debilitating situation. The shuffling eventually ceased. It was time to 'choose'. I separated the deck, my fingers following the sage's subtle voice advising me how and when.
Just one card she said... Here is what I drew...
I couldn't believe it . 60-odd cards and that was the one I got! Obviously my question had indeed been answered the day before and I just hadn't taken it in.
Thursday, I thought it was about my vision - my picture of what I wanted my future to look like. Friday, I read it and read it until I realised what it actually meant. My vision - my sight...the thing I see with, NOT my vision of the future! And then I realised - it was about seeing myself and my situation with love and care - compassion and understanding. Not through the eyes of a perfectionist fault-finder who was always so quick to judge and condemn herself.
And then it really sank in - the card's message became crystal clear: I needed to look at myself and the past choices I had made with compassion. With love. I needed to understand that everything I thought and did came from the need to protect myself ; to stifle the fear. I no longer needed to beat myself up for the choices I had made - I just needed to see myself differently; clearly ; compassionately.
I started then and there, unpacking my old suitcase of beliefs and behaviours but for the first time ever, gently and with kindness. This was the beginning of me finally forgiving myself.