Monday, 4 August 2014

What matters most

This morning was an interesting one.

I have recently restarted my morning yoga practice. I went to the mat, reluctantly, even though I know that doing yoga relaxes me and I feel better for doing it.

Why I wondered, did I not want to practice? I noticed my agitated mind grow more and more fidgety as the minutes ticked by. Frustrated with myself for feeling so irritated, I couldn't wait to be finished!

Getting busy with the morning's usual rituals like cooking toast and cutting fruit would surely help... but it didn't. I wanted to scream. Standing in the middle of the kitchen amid the chaos and the crumbs I could see that my mind was behaving like a broken record - over and over the same problem played itself out. 

I was stuck - in a past I couldn't change.

Feelings of guilt and shame fuelled my inner judge  - Why didn't you...? You could've... You should've... What were you thinking...?

I tried to be mindful - to break the cycle of these destructive thoughts. I zoned in on the Vegemite, it's smell, texture, colour...  but my mind was too strong.

In desperation I turned my face to the ceiling and asked for help. I am not a religious person, but spiritual, yes. Please... give me some perspective I pleaded.

Lunches made and dishes done I went to get my mobile phone - I wanted to text my husband who was in Melbourne for a work trip. I turned on the phone and as I was texting him a text came through from my sister. I wasn't expecting her message, nor was I expecting her news and the reaction it would invoke.

The disappointments and tragedies she talked of were the reason she had been so busy. But they had also served as timely reminders - they had helped her gain some perspective on her own worries. And this in turn changed mine. The tears stung when I  realised  I  had been so caught up in details - petty crimes. Little things. Small stuff.

And in that instant, I got the perspective I needed - the perspective I had asked for. The tiny  mistakes and minor wrongs that I wanted to punish myself over, dissolved. I let them go, forgave myself and decided to focus on the bigger picture - who I am.

Cos I am not my feelings. Or my behaviours.

I am love. We all are.

And it really is what matters most.

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