Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Out of control

Letting go.

I think it's the biggest lesson I'm here to learn.

And I struggle with it, as you know.

So I've started to seek out the wisdom of others, hoping to get some help with getting my head around it.

My latest assistant is Hugh Prather and his book, "The little book of Letting Go."

But it's not as little as I'd like it to be! I ordered it from interstate and when it arrived the other day I was disappointed by how big it was. I must've been subconsciously hoping it would be small in size, my mind equating 'little' with 'quick and easy'.

I was still hopeful when I began reading this 'little book' in bed last night. A dozen pages in and all was going well - it was making sense - a lot of sense - and I thought this is do-able. Then I got to page 17 and all hope was lost. 

My eyes were drawn to the highlighted box at the bottom of the page where it said, "There are only three things you need to let go of..." I was rapt. Only three things?! This book is probably way longer than it needs to be  I mused, and then read on...
"...judging, controlling and being right."
I laughed. Out loud. And hard. It was incredulous. Preposterous even. He wants me to let go of judging, controlling and being right - only the three hardest things for a control freak like me to let go of?! And yes I know they're extremely damaging and detrimental to my health, happiness and relationships, but at the age of 43 and having done them most of my life, and now being quite good at them, how on earth am I going to let go of them?

This letting go was going to be much harder than I thought.

I am a self-confessed control freak. Which judging and being right go hand in hand with. We control freaks strive for perfection - there is no room for error.  Everything has to be just right - including us. We need to know what's happening when where and with whom, at all times. We don't know how to go with the flow - and we don't want to.  We want to feel in control - secure, safe, and seriously satisfied. We 'put in' and we 'expect', and when things don't go our way we judge and criticise and crawl our way back to control.

And don't get me started on the 'being right' bit ! I am reminded of Wayne Dyer, another favourite author of all that is wise, who has often stated the question: Would you rather be right or happy? You don't know how many times I have asked myself that question and so badly wanted me to answer happy - but I don't.  My power need kicks in and the control freak in me would rather be right.

Oh dear - it seems then that there is much work to be done.

Although now that I am writing about this and reflecting, there has already been a swing in the balance. These days I am leaning more toward wanting to be peaceful rather than wanting to be right. Peace more than anything,... more wise words from Wayne Dyer that come to mind and are finally beginning to resonate.

It's that peace in my mind and heart that I long for. To feel ok with who I am and what's happening around me, knowing that things will be tough and trusting that they are happening for my highest potential.

I know I'll be better off by letting go of judging, controlling and being right, and I know it won't be easy, but it's definitely a worthy goal.

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