Friday's pain had me seeking further understanding around judgment and blame.
While contemplating my present situation it dawned on me that I ask far more of myself than I do of others. It seems I have made up two sets of rules - one that I live by and another set that I insist everyone else live by.
Your set says reach out. Share your story. It's ok to feel how you feel. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to be human.
My set says I should know by now. I should know what to do. I shouldn't feel this way. I have to do this on my own. It's not ok to be human.
I'm not sure how or why this happened, but when did I decide that it's ok for everyone else to be human but me?
The past few years of ill-health have definitely taken their toll, and instead of me being kind to myself and cutting myself some slack, I did the opposite - I judged myself harshly, criticising myself for what I was going through. My self-talk was riddled with shoulds. And should is loaded with blame and guilt.
Where was the compassion I had so often given to others? The gentle accepting voice, supporting and soothing; the good listener hearing all that was hurting; the patience and care for the sufferer and their suffering?
Now at this point I could've heaped a whole lot more criticism - more blame, more guilt - onto myself for treating myself with such disdain.
But this time I didn't.
This time I saw the truth and I saw myself differently.
I realised my humanity.
This was my journalled response:
I want to be human don't I?
I want to experience life just like everyone else.
How can I be of any use to anyone else if I don't allow myself to be human?
I don't want to be unreachable, untouchable - I want to be real.
So...It's definitely time I ditched my set of rules and started living by the ones I let everyone else live by. Something else to let go of...