Thursday, 9 October 2014

Perfectly whole

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I'm a recovering control freak and a perfectionist. I'm not proud of either of these titles, but rather than pretend these parts of me don't exist I've decided to be open to them and even curious about them. Hell, I might even celebrate them!

Yesterday someone told me that I am 'already perfect'. This wasn't someone who knows me very well, so it wasn't coming from a place of flattery and pleasantry - it was delivered as fact. A universal truth. I frowned. It's not the first time I've heard it - and not the first time I've struggled with it.

My relentless strive for perfection is an obvious testimony to the belief I have about myself :  I'm not perfect...yet.  And it's a nasty belief to have.

I'm not perfect yet is like an insidious disease - it eats away at your confidence and undermines your self-esteem. It taunts you with a promise that I'm not sure will ever be reached or fulfilled - cos who says what's perfect and what isn't? My judging mind and critical eye are the first to say No... not good enough. So when will I ever measure up to my over-blown unrealistic expectations?

I won't.

All night the word 'perfect' kept popping into my mind. I vowed on falling asleep to look it up this morning.

Joy. Three definitions were available, with the number one in pole position for a very good reason.

Coming in third place were the words 'very satisfactory'. Hmmm...I can live with that. But it's still open to judgement - something I'm trying to let go of ; )

In second place, was the word 'faultless' with the example, 'a perfect diamond'. This definition is the one that I have let rule my choices and my life - at my expense. Faultless... knowing I am not this is what has driven me to distraction (and perfection).  Let the diamond be perfect and get on with being human Gena. Enough said.

But coming in first, with surprise and delight, was the definition I have needed for years. It shatters every ridiculous ideal I have of faultless perfection into a million tiny pieces of insignificance - 'complete; not deficient.'

Goose bumps. I sigh with relief. My days of believing I am fundamentally flawed are over.

If I am 'perfect', then I am complete, whole. Not deficient or lacking. This is not to say that I won't continue to seek, evolve and grow. But the intention will be powered by curiosity and my love for learning - not so that I may become faultless and flawless - but whole.
From the Twigseeds Contemplation Cards Volume One





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