Thursday, 6 November 2014

Am I ready?

My days are now quite different than what they have been for the past four years. I'm a full-time Masters student now.
I have a thesis to write!
Each week day I come in to my Uni office and 'work'. I read. I write. I read some more.
These are things I love doing, but this week I'm not feeling the love.

This week it feels difficult and hard and overwhelming and lonely. And I can't quite get my head around the why.

I'm not telling you this so that you'll send messages of support - I'm telling you because this is where I'm at. And because I'm human.

I'm a human being struggling with something she's never done before. I've hit the hurdle of doubt. The problem - an uncertainty about what I'm doing and how I'm going to do it.

But all this reading and searching led me quite unexpectedly to these words of wisdom yesterday afternoon -

Every problem implies a question: are you ready to embody what you say you believe? 
Can you reach within yourself for enough clarity, strength, forgiveness, serenity, 
love, patience, and faith to turn this around?

Am I ready?
Can I find those things within me and turn this problem around before I let it paralyse me?
I want to.
I want to believe that clarity exists - that I can see clearly - that sometimes its just clouded over by doubt.
I want to believe I have enough strength, energy, determination, to see this thing through.
I want to believe there is enough forgiveness - for myself and my doubt, and that I may touch serenity often, despite my uncertainty. 

Love, well, it's a hope that never wavers, a hope there is enough to continue to light the way forward. And may it keep me patient enough to return to the desk, day in day out.

And what can I say about faith?
It's the very thing I have counted on every day since I embarked on this journey.

Yes I have faith in the hidden construct that enables life to be life, but faith in myself - that I'm not so sure about.

But maybe it's time to find out.

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