There was nothing pre-meditated about it either.
The words seemed to just find their way out of my mouth.
"I think I've become a bitter and ungrateful person."
My husband's reply: "You'd better not be! I don't wanna live with someone like that!"
I could've been offended by his comment but I wasn't - I could hear the humour in his voice and knew this was his way of trying to get me to lighten-up. We've been together long enough for him to know how terribly hard I can be on myself.
My response: " How do you think I feel? I have to live with me all the time! It's alright for you - you get to go to work and be away from me for periods of time. I don't! I'm stuck with me!"
We both laughed. It was funny - but it was also true.
We cannot escape ourselves.
My admission may have been a little harsh, but I've become very aware of the nature of my thinking and there are times when the inner critic just will not let up.
Where has my compassionate heart gone? I wondered. The me that understands that we are all human and doing the best we can at any given time. That me is kind and knows to look beyond the superficial to the suffering that aches to be seen and heard.
When I am that me I am much more gentle, grounded, available - to others as well as myself. I feel connected and yet am able to flow more easily with the ever-changing nature of life and the people I inhabit it with. Gratitude comes, and not from the material goodness I have but from the experiences that life provides me with that enable me to love.
This was the me I wanted to be more of. This me was much nicer for me to spend my days with - no need to try and escape from that me.
I wanted to wallow for a while, in the sorrow and regret that I felt, so I did. But soon after I fell safely into sleep, knowing that today was just a night away and that I had the chance to wake-up and do it different.