I can't believe what just happened.
So I'm writing about it as soon as is possible.
I've had a symptom flare up. It's been gradual - it started Monday morning and hit it's peak this afternoon. It is felt physically as an ongoing abdominal discomfort, so its quite contained but its affect on the rest of me is far-reaching - other bodily systems and functions are altered and then my emotional and mental state follow suit.
I have been here many times over the past eight years.
At one point it was daily for months, which turned into years. The good news is, I have improved - this symptomatic situation has become less and less frequent, but it still strikes too often and when it does the whole of my world looks dim; helplessness settles in as we have not yet found a way to relieve it, nor prevent it from happening in the first place.
So this afternoon I found myself in familiar territory - frustrated and despairing over not being able to decipher the trigger, my hope of a different future disappearing after very recently being quite optimistic about the positive changes that were occurring.
Not knowing what else to do, I decided to pray for help. While chopping the veggies for tea I pleaded with the Heavens above to show me what I needed to do or what I needed to know to get better. I then got on with my evening - cook dinner, hang washing, taxi a child, walk the dog.
I didn't really have the energy to walk, but I knew I needed the fresh air and the forest.
At a much slower than usual pace Harvey and I set off through the bush. My mood had hit its typical low, my mind wondering what, when, why, how? One minute Harvey was trotting along quite happily beside me, the next an abrupt stop and he was just behind me - pausing for one of his many wees no doubt. I nearly didn't turn back to look as he makes regular stops throughout our walks, but this stop went on for longer than normal. I twisted around to check on him, and there it was.
I still can't really believe it, yet I know from experience that the universe works in wonderful and mysterious ways. This is what I saw...exactly as I saw it. And I didn't pass anyone, nor did anyone I know know I was walking through the bush at 7:04pm tonight.
I stood dumbstruck for a few long seconds. Then I cried. And then the laughter came.
I had just asked you-know-who for help and I reckon this was my answer.
Write. From the heart. Write. Love writing. Love sharing. Write. Write till you think there are no words left to write and then write some more. Write the pain away. Write the sadness away. Write it all down - anything and everything that might help - the blog, the private journals, the thesis, write it all!
I mean seriously, what are the chances?
If Harvey hadn't stopped there to wee I would've missed it. And you know what, I've been witness to this kind of uncanny synchronistic stuff too many times to be any kind of skeptic. So I have taken that leaf and pen perfectly positioned in the dirt as gospel.
As I sit here happily tapping away, I know I don't need to wonder anymore about my telos (see yesterday's post). I don't know what the words will bring, nor what words will come. I don't know when or how or even if my symptoms will clear as a result. I just know I have to write, from my heart, as much and as often as I can and be open to the healing it might bring.