Surrounded with support

Today this post comes to you from a different place. It's still from my heart, but this morning it sits with me in my new office at La Trobe Uni where I am embarking on my next venture - a Research Masters.

My mission is to write about the healing power of love and forgiveness using the experiences I have been through these past few years as the fuel for the fire. And let's face it - there's plenty to use!

I have been given a desk in an office on the third floor of the Arts building. The view, the place, the space - I am very grateful for them, but it feels a little strange. And lonely.

I know that writing is mostly a solitary act but when I write at home I feel comfortable and happy and safe. I have created a space that feels welcoming - my desk is always a pleasure to sit at. At home I am surrounded with the love that fills it via its inhabitants, be they people or pet. And then there are the trinkets and treasures, many of which are my books that offer relentless support.

I have brought a few special bits and pieces in with me over the past few days and it's beginning to feel more 'like home'.

My newest addition is a set of cards I've had for years, called Angels with Attitude. It's been a while since I've used them, so I did what I do - I shuffled them and held them and shuffled them again, while I wondered what 'Angel' might come to me.

Of all the days, this was the one...

This card reminded me that support shows up in many ways. We automatically think of people - and there have been a few supportive 'angels' that have flown into my day today, quite unexpectedly too... thank you <3 

But what about the support we get from the sun, the stars, the spoon? Assistance and encouragement can come from the inanimate too. All that exists around us that we take for granted or don't even realise is there that helps us.

A great source of support for me has been the beautiful poet, David Whyte. He doesn't know this of course, but I have been moved to tears and goosebumps on many occasions while reading and listening to his poetry. His wisdom is like a hug and a gentle nudge all at once - comforting yet at the same time urging you to be brave and face the next frontier.

This is one such piece. I share it with you today because it reminds me that I am not alone.

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.
Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.
  
David Whyte
from Everything is Waiting for You
©2003 Many Rivers Press

As I sit typing the end of this post I 'put down the weight of my aloneness and ease into the conversation' going on around me - the old brown timber desk resting under my forearms, the wind rushing through the trees outside my window, the pens and pencils eagerly awaiting their turn to write...and allow the intimacy of my surroundings to support me.

I am thankful for all that is waiting for me.

Just say yes

I had a revelation of sorts on Sunday afternoon. This one didn't come from a book - it came from the couch. And I say 'of sorts' because yes, something was revealed to me from seemingly out of nowhere, but as I write about it in this post, I know this is just the beginning - all is yet to be revealed.

I was outside lounging on the patio couch and had just finished a cup of Afternoon Tea. The sky was blue. The sun was warm. The breeze was soft. Time slowed right down. I felt immensely peaceful. And content. And my mind was surprisingly still. I noticed. And then I wondered - Is this what it means to be without suffering... to not want the moment to be any different to what it is?

Hmmm. And then this thought -  If so, I guess that's what it means to be accepting.

These ideas were still churning through my mind when I woke Monday morning, so I did as the seeker does - I went straight to the dictionary. This helps me get my head around concepts that I'm grappling with and opens me up to new possibilities, and accepting is one of those tricky topics I've needed help with for some time. In fact, I find it one of the most difficult things to conceive and do - especially when things are going 'wrong'.

To accept, my faithful dictionary says, is to consent to receive.

I thought about this for a bit. In my experience, the consent we give can range from a resounding 'yes' right through to a reluctant 'ok'. Our receivership can be governed by any one of the emotions ranging from a  welcoming gladness right through to neutrality and beyond into the realms of resentment and disdain. From arms wide open to folded firmly across our chest. Positivity, adequacy,validity and negativity all seem to have their time and place when it comes to acceptance.

My mind drifted back to Sunday afternoon on the couch. Was I so accepting because of the pleasantness I was experiencing in the sun on that perfect Spring afternoon? 

It's easy to accept the so-called 'good' - the positive and the pleasant. When things are going the way we want them to we don't even notice that we're accepting - we just are. But what about the times when things are tough, difficult, distasteful? When we're in pain, be it physical or emotional, and there is no pleasant. How do we accept what's happening when we really don't want what's happening to be happening?

That is the question that has been plaguing me for years. How do we say yes to pain and turmoil when our heart is screaming no! When its in our very nature to flee, repel, resist?

I don't know the answer to that but I do know that the more I repress, reject, refuse, wish, and hope for things to be different, the more I suffer and the more I feel stuck. I'm just coming out of a particularly hard week, one that saw me wrestling with and wanting to deny all that wasn't wanted, and I can honestly say that the more I said no to what was going on in and around me, the worse I felt.

I want to be different next time. The pain will still come. Difficulties will develop. That's life. And it happens to us all. But if I want to lessen the suffering by not causing more, then I think I will have to start saying yes.

It won't be easy, but the yes doesn't have to enthusiastic or wholehearted - I don't have to like the thing that's happening, but I do need to stop saying no to unwanted situations and circumstances. For my sake, and for the sake of those around me.

I have to let go and let 'yes' do its job.

'Yes' is at it's most basic is a validation and acknowledgement. And maybe from that place I can open up and allow life to be what it is - instead of arguing with reality I can see it clearly, and surrender to the notion that everything is on schedule.

FYI, I'm a control-freak by nature and am really good at saying no, so I can guarantee that I will get plenty of practise at this yes-business as time goes by. In fact, the more I think about it the more it seems it's all about letting go.

Time to play

They say that a lesson is repeated until it's learnt.

When it comes to understanding how to bring balance to my life I feel like I'm back in Kindergarten. Except I'm not your average kid - the one who happily goes from one fun activity to the next. No. I'm all work, no play. Everything has to be purposeful, meaningful. It's all gotta count - I can't waste a minute. Fun is frivolous and to be had when the work is done.

You don't have to tell me - I'm way outta whack I know. And I'm feeling its effects.


Last night I was on the phone to my husband who spends every second week away for work (that's definitely not fun for me). Anyway, I was telling him how I feel like every day is the same lately - very ho-hum and very little fun.

While we were talking I decided to randomly choose a card from my little G-jar.

Balance.
Hmmm. This is nothing new.


I've drawn this card before and delved right into its possible meanings. Is it about balancing head and heart? Or the so-called positive and negative aspects of my self? Or maybe distributing my time more equally among the realms of the mental, the emotional, the physical and the spiritual? I have pondered it all.

Or at least I thought I had until this morning.

I came into my office to start writing what was to be a different post to this, and saw the balance card resting where I had left it last night. And then it hit me : There is not enough balance between work and play. Even though I don't have a formal 'job', I am always working!


I work on words - reading them, writing them , understanding them, which I love, but it never stops. And when I'm not doing that, I'm doing housework. And when I'm not doing that, I'm running errands or cooking tea. Or reading more words!

 And when I do get some 'free time' I want to use it wisely - I can't bear the thought of wasting it. So what do I do with it? I use it to be productive. And I work some more.

Today I am meant to be on jury duty, and with relief, I am not required till tomorrow. Good -because I have so much work to do and I'll be able to get heaps done!  But my enthusiasm waned when I thought of spending all day at the desk, especially with a sore belly. At the same time I had just text a beautiful friend, updating her on my health status. Her reply was the antidote I didn't know I needed. It was an invitation to play. To be spontaneous. To do something out of my ordinary. To have fun.

What if I've got it all wrong? What if the pushing and striving - work harder, work now, work more! is what needs balance? Goosebumps.

I think my response says it all.  I replied maybe, but didn't really want to. For once I wanted to say a big strong YES!

Researchers tell us how important play is to creativity and psychologists tell us that fun is an intrinsic fundamental need. Besides all that, it just feels good.

I think I've learnt my lesson. The work can wait - I need some fun!

When it comes to balancing work and play, consider me moving into Grade 1 ; )

Because I can

We have this neighbour. She is a healthy, active, compassionate, giving,  middle-aged chick with a great sense of humour who cares a lot about pets and people - probably in that order. (And she'd probably like me saying that.)

I found out a few days ago that she is in a hospital in Melbourne. She came off her bike while riding through our beautiful forest - a place I would usually see her walk to or from every other day. A head injury. A coma. And now in the land of recovery and rehabilitation which has no certainties.

I was on my way to walk Harvey through that same forest when I got the news from another lovely neighbour. Shocked. Devastated. How could this have happened to her? The remark that such a thing could happen to one who was so healthy...

Health has nothing to do with the rock you hit along the path.

My first instinct was, can I visit? Shortly followed by what can I cook for her partner? She's not up for visitors and her partner is with her for an unknown period down in Melbourne. Well what else can I do????

Every time I had this thought I went into 'worry' about her and a sense of helplessness would wash over me. And if what they say is true - that thought is energy and energy is everywhere - then I am not helping her one bit by thinking worrying thoughts.

So I did what Kiki taught me. Each time I drive or walk past her house I picture her smiling and happy and feel love for her in my heart. I imagine her well and healthy and cracking some joke.

But I want to do more! Wandering home from a walk on Sunday, facing her house, I asked what would A.M. want me to do...

The answer - not waste a moment. How dare I let this day pass by unnoticed, on auto-pilot, while wanting the next day to hurry up and come.

I can't anymore. And I don't want to. And each time I slip back into self-pity whether it be about my gut aching or having to do housework or groceries that I don't feel like doing, A.M. springs to mind and I wake up again and remember, No! no more feeling victimised...you get to choose.

So from now on, as often as possible, I'm choosing to live the moments with the life I was given.

And no, this doesn't mean I'm about to make a bucket-list and start ticking things off it. It means living - engaging with what's unfolding and appreciating what I'm doing, no matter how menial or mundane. And taking delight in the pleasure of the sun's warmth and the carpet under my feet. Because I can. Because I'm not in a hospital bed unable to feed myself or remember how I got there.

This one's for you A.M. ...

What to see

It's been a rough morning. I won't bore you with the details, but it was one of those mornings when nothing seemed to go right.


After doing an hour of writing for my Uni work I decided to take a break. I took my cup of tea and part two of breakfast to my desk. Not my computer desk, where I'd spent the past hour, but my writing desk - the place where I relax and explore - what's out the window as well as what's on my mind.

I have lots of  books and cards on my desk and felt drawn to a set of wellbeing cards. I shuffled them as I sipped and nibbled until one card fell out. Must be what I need to know I mused.

I laughed. Out loud.
It was exactly what I needed to know.

Boy, did I ever.
I turned the card over to read the card's deeper meaning.

 

It was the last part of the message that helped me change my view : ..."it is my dominant intention to see that which I am wanting to see."

 

When I read this I realised that my intention was to see the morning as bad, awful, wrong. I even used the words nothing seemed to go right at the beginning of this post. But was that really true? Had everything gone wrong? Everything? Or was I just seeing it that way?

 

When I looked back, plenty had gone right. In fact, most of the morning's rituals occurred with little fuss - it was me who was flustered - I had let myself get caught up in the minor difficulties which distracted me from the dominant intention - feeling good and seeing the good.

 

We all do it - it's easy to fall prey to what's not working and then stay stuck in that perspective. But this card reminds us that we get to choose - we can reclaim our power by changing our focus and seeing what it is we want to see.

What wants to be written

I have been in a bit of a bubble of late. The last five days have had me immersed in the Bendigo Writers Festival. As a student of the Writers in Action subject offered through LaTrobe University, I was required to attend the festival and pretty much learn as much as I could. And then write!

I have many writings ready to put on the page for my folio, but they'll have to wait - it's been over a week since I've written for Seeker & Sage and I feel called to write this post first.



But with so many thoughts and inspirations to pursue from the festival, I have been wondering what to write about.

The words of the beautiful, talented and wise author, Sue Woolfe are ringing in my ears.  At a private workshop on Sunday morning titled Unlocking Creativity she said,

"I want you to find your heart."

Goose bumps. My mind went immediately to Seeker & Sage.
I am I thought... I am trying to find my heart. Every post I write comes from my heart. This to me was very affirming - I felt like I was on the right track.

But she hadn't finished.

"I want you to take risks... I want you to be really brave.

I want you to try and find the thing that you almost dare not say.

Once you find what that is you will never be able to stop writing."

The room was silent. And very still. She had hit us with it - the big cohuna. And it hit me hard.

I had been honest, yes. Followed my intuition and trusted it to deliver - and it had. But there were many uncanny moments and profound learnings that I felt I couldn't write about. My ego, always wanting to serve and protect, judged them as being 'too big'. Whenever I had the urge and the instinct to write those things that I almost dare not say, fear got the better of me.

Sometimes I have touched on them and hit 'publish' with a rapid heart beat and held breath. But after listening to Sue Woolfe I realised I have witheld a lot. I have been brave to a point, but I know I've been sharing what's within my comfort zone.

So 28 posts on, the bubble has burst. It's time to be really brave and try and find the thing that I almost dare not say... and say it!

It's time to write what wants to be written.

What matters most

This morning was an interesting one.

I have recently restarted my morning yoga practice. I went to the mat, reluctantly, even though I know that doing yoga relaxes me and I feel better for doing it.

Why I wondered, did I not want to practice? I noticed my agitated mind grow more and more fidgety as the minutes ticked by. Frustrated with myself for feeling so irritated, I couldn't wait to be finished!

Getting busy with the morning's usual rituals like cooking toast and cutting fruit would surely help... but it didn't. I wanted to scream. Standing in the middle of the kitchen amid the chaos and the crumbs I could see that my mind was behaving like a broken record - over and over the same problem played itself out. 

I was stuck - in a past I couldn't change.

Feelings of guilt and shame fuelled my inner judge  - Why didn't you...? You could've... You should've... What were you thinking...?

I tried to be mindful - to break the cycle of these destructive thoughts. I zoned in on the Vegemite, it's smell, texture, colour...  but my mind was too strong.

In desperation I turned my face to the ceiling and asked for help. I am not a religious person, but spiritual, yes. Please... give me some perspective I pleaded.

Lunches made and dishes done I went to get my mobile phone - I wanted to text my husband who was in Melbourne for a work trip. I turned on the phone and as I was texting him a text came through from my sister. I wasn't expecting her message, nor was I expecting her news and the reaction it would invoke.

The disappointments and tragedies she talked of were the reason she had been so busy. But they had also served as timely reminders - they had helped her gain some perspective on her own worries. And this in turn changed mine. The tears stung when I  realised  I  had been so caught up in details - petty crimes. Little things. Small stuff.

And in that instant, I got the perspective I needed - the perspective I had asked for. The tiny  mistakes and minor wrongs that I wanted to punish myself over, dissolved. I let them go, forgave myself and decided to focus on the bigger picture - who I am.

Cos I am not my feelings. Or my behaviours.

I am love. We all are.

And it really is what matters most.