Because I can

We have this neighbour. She is a healthy, active, compassionate, giving,  middle-aged chick with a great sense of humour who cares a lot about pets and people - probably in that order. (And she'd probably like me saying that.)

I found out a few days ago that she is in a hospital in Melbourne. She came off her bike while riding through our beautiful forest - a place I would usually see her walk to or from every other day. A head injury. A coma. And now in the land of recovery and rehabilitation which has no certainties.

I was on my way to walk Harvey through that same forest when I got the news from another lovely neighbour. Shocked. Devastated. How could this have happened to her? The remark that such a thing could happen to one who was so healthy...

Health has nothing to do with the rock you hit along the path.

My first instinct was, can I visit? Shortly followed by what can I cook for her partner? She's not up for visitors and her partner is with her for an unknown period down in Melbourne. Well what else can I do????

Every time I had this thought I went into 'worry' about her and a sense of helplessness would wash over me. And if what they say is true - that thought is energy and energy is everywhere - then I am not helping her one bit by thinking worrying thoughts.

So I did what Kiki taught me. Each time I drive or walk past her house I picture her smiling and happy and feel love for her in my heart. I imagine her well and healthy and cracking some joke.

But I want to do more! Wandering home from a walk on Sunday, facing her house, I asked what would A.M. want me to do...

The answer - not waste a moment. How dare I let this day pass by unnoticed, on auto-pilot, while wanting the next day to hurry up and come.

I can't anymore. And I don't want to. And each time I slip back into self-pity whether it be about my gut aching or having to do housework or groceries that I don't feel like doing, A.M. springs to mind and I wake up again and remember, No! no more feeling victimised...you get to choose.

So from now on, as often as possible, I'm choosing to live the moments with the life I was given.

And no, this doesn't mean I'm about to make a bucket-list and start ticking things off it. It means living - engaging with what's unfolding and appreciating what I'm doing, no matter how menial or mundane. And taking delight in the pleasure of the sun's warmth and the carpet under my feet. Because I can. Because I'm not in a hospital bed unable to feed myself or remember how I got there.

This one's for you A.M. ...

What to see

It's been a rough morning. I won't bore you with the details, but it was one of those mornings when nothing seemed to go right.


After doing an hour of writing for my Uni work I decided to take a break. I took my cup of tea and part two of breakfast to my desk. Not my computer desk, where I'd spent the past hour, but my writing desk - the place where I relax and explore - what's out the window as well as what's on my mind.

I have lots of  books and cards on my desk and felt drawn to a set of wellbeing cards. I shuffled them as I sipped and nibbled until one card fell out. Must be what I need to know I mused.

I laughed. Out loud.
It was exactly what I needed to know.

Boy, did I ever.
I turned the card over to read the card's deeper meaning.

 

It was the last part of the message that helped me change my view : ..."it is my dominant intention to see that which I am wanting to see."

 

When I read this I realised that my intention was to see the morning as bad, awful, wrong. I even used the words nothing seemed to go right at the beginning of this post. But was that really true? Had everything gone wrong? Everything? Or was I just seeing it that way?

 

When I looked back, plenty had gone right. In fact, most of the morning's rituals occurred with little fuss - it was me who was flustered - I had let myself get caught up in the minor difficulties which distracted me from the dominant intention - feeling good and seeing the good.

 

We all do it - it's easy to fall prey to what's not working and then stay stuck in that perspective. But this card reminds us that we get to choose - we can reclaim our power by changing our focus and seeing what it is we want to see.

What wants to be written

I have been in a bit of a bubble of late. The last five days have had me immersed in the Bendigo Writers Festival. As a student of the Writers in Action subject offered through LaTrobe University, I was required to attend the festival and pretty much learn as much as I could. And then write!

I have many writings ready to put on the page for my folio, but they'll have to wait - it's been over a week since I've written for Seeker & Sage and I feel called to write this post first.



But with so many thoughts and inspirations to pursue from the festival, I have been wondering what to write about.

The words of the beautiful, talented and wise author, Sue Woolfe are ringing in my ears.  At a private workshop on Sunday morning titled Unlocking Creativity she said,

"I want you to find your heart."

Goose bumps. My mind went immediately to Seeker & Sage.
I am I thought... I am trying to find my heart. Every post I write comes from my heart. This to me was very affirming - I felt like I was on the right track.

But she hadn't finished.

"I want you to take risks... I want you to be really brave.

I want you to try and find the thing that you almost dare not say.

Once you find what that is you will never be able to stop writing."

The room was silent. And very still. She had hit us with it - the big cohuna. And it hit me hard.

I had been honest, yes. Followed my intuition and trusted it to deliver - and it had. But there were many uncanny moments and profound learnings that I felt I couldn't write about. My ego, always wanting to serve and protect, judged them as being 'too big'. Whenever I had the urge and the instinct to write those things that I almost dare not say, fear got the better of me.

Sometimes I have touched on them and hit 'publish' with a rapid heart beat and held breath. But after listening to Sue Woolfe I realised I have witheld a lot. I have been brave to a point, but I know I've been sharing what's within my comfort zone.

So 28 posts on, the bubble has burst. It's time to be really brave and try and find the thing that I almost dare not say... and say it!

It's time to write what wants to be written.

What matters most

This morning was an interesting one.

I have recently restarted my morning yoga practice. I went to the mat, reluctantly, even though I know that doing yoga relaxes me and I feel better for doing it.

Why I wondered, did I not want to practice? I noticed my agitated mind grow more and more fidgety as the minutes ticked by. Frustrated with myself for feeling so irritated, I couldn't wait to be finished!

Getting busy with the morning's usual rituals like cooking toast and cutting fruit would surely help... but it didn't. I wanted to scream. Standing in the middle of the kitchen amid the chaos and the crumbs I could see that my mind was behaving like a broken record - over and over the same problem played itself out. 

I was stuck - in a past I couldn't change.

Feelings of guilt and shame fuelled my inner judge  - Why didn't you...? You could've... You should've... What were you thinking...?

I tried to be mindful - to break the cycle of these destructive thoughts. I zoned in on the Vegemite, it's smell, texture, colour...  but my mind was too strong.

In desperation I turned my face to the ceiling and asked for help. I am not a religious person, but spiritual, yes. Please... give me some perspective I pleaded.

Lunches made and dishes done I went to get my mobile phone - I wanted to text my husband who was in Melbourne for a work trip. I turned on the phone and as I was texting him a text came through from my sister. I wasn't expecting her message, nor was I expecting her news and the reaction it would invoke.

The disappointments and tragedies she talked of were the reason she had been so busy. But they had also served as timely reminders - they had helped her gain some perspective on her own worries. And this in turn changed mine. The tears stung when I  realised  I  had been so caught up in details - petty crimes. Little things. Small stuff.

And in that instant, I got the perspective I needed - the perspective I had asked for. The tiny  mistakes and minor wrongs that I wanted to punish myself over, dissolved. I let them go, forgave myself and decided to focus on the bigger picture - who I am.

Cos I am not my feelings. Or my behaviours.

I am love. We all are.

And it really is what matters most.

True Love

It's one of those times, when there are so many 'post' possibilities that I don't know which one to write about first!

But the fridge told me which one to choose.




I was again, a few days late tearing off the days from my mini-wisdom calendar. Trying to catch-up with the present meant I had to go back to the past - to July 21st - last Monday. I tore that day away revealing July 22 and this gem:

We've all heard it. It's nothing new. But do we understand it?

I thought I did - until now. This past few weeks I have felt as though I was running on empty. And then I did run out. I had nothing left to give - to me or anyone else.

When I read Thich Nhat Hanh's beautiful words I thought, no wonder I've been running on empty - I've been so busy caring for others that I've forgotten to take care of myself.

And then this realisation : You're always there for other people but are you there for yourself?

Hmmm. The answer, quite simply - no.

I'm all-for people sharing how they feel and airing their issues. In fact I'm a big fan of 'getting it all out' - not stewing about stuff because I know it only makes things worse. So I give people my time and the space they need to be and feel heard - my ear as accepting and unconditional as it can possibly be.

But when it comes to me, all that is denied. I don't let myself feel how I feel. I am dismissive of issues and I certainly don't listen to my worries with a compassionate heart. I flee. I resist. I repress.

And look what happens when we do that... we are not loving to ourselves and then our capacity to love others dwindles, leaving us feeling like there's nothing of any value left.

Your capacity to love others depends entirely on your capacity
to love yourself,

and take care of yourself.

But what does it even mean - to love ourself? What does it look like? What would I be doing if I was taking care of myself?

My first response in answering these questions is to focus on the physical - diet, exercise, rest, relaxation, connecting with others... and then it dawned on me that yes, those things are important, but if I was to truly care for and love myself I would give myself the exact same thing that I gave others when they were suffering : my heart.

As Pema Chodron says, it's not about getting rid of the pain and the turmoil, it's about leaning in, expanding, opening - allowing things to be present and embracing them. Holding the pain - physical, mental or emotional - with great tenderness and allowing it the space it needs. Loving it.

This is what I call true love. To be there for ourselves with the difficulty, the dilemma, the devastation and not try to change it - just be with it, and love it.

I already know it's not easy to truly love ourselves, but we're worth it. So is everyone else that we come in contact with, care for and love.

When you think about it, what could be more important ...

The ultimate in letting go

You know how I said a few weeks ago that I had to let go of the question in order to get the answer? Well, it's happened again. Except this time it was the big question - the one that has been plaguing me for years...

What if I am like this for the rest of my life?  What if I have to live with this pain everyday from here on in? 

It's too much to bear, I know, so I try not to ask. But when the days have been long and they've turned into weeks and months I really do wonder.

Feeling overwhelmed after months of endless struggle, I booked in to see my beautiful healer Kiki for three days of treatments last week. Three days driving to and from Melbourne equals about 12 hours travel time. And on the same old boring highway, by myself, which for me, equals torture!

Thankfully I have good company - by way of audio books and recordings. You didn't think this seeker relied on good old-fashioned books alone did you? One of my all-time faves to listen to is Pema Chodron.

It's not just the teachings that I love hearing - it's her voice and her sense of humour and her earthly ways. And since I knew I was about to spend that much time in solitary confinement I planned ahead and downloaded a new audio of hers - one I knew nothing about - called The Truth of our Existence.

 

All three hours and 59 minutes had me riveted and there is much to share, but the one moment that stirred me the most came from chapter 27.

 

Pema is asked from a chronically-ill audience member, "Do I keep trying different things and hope they're gonna work, or do I just accept it as it is? When do you stop trying?" Sigh. Oh boy. It could've been me in that audience asking those questions.

 

Pema's answer is given in her trademark gentle and kind way. She encourages the young woman to continue exploring both medical treatment and the inner workings of her mind with the intention of expanding and learning from the illness. I feel somewhat relieved to hear this as this is the path I have chosen.

 

She closes her answer with a teaching from Trungpa Rinpoche, a highly revered Buddhist teacher - a teaching that really touched my heart :

 

If it is better for my awakening

and my ability to benefit others to remain sick - let me be sick.

 

If it is better for my awakening

and my ability to benefit others to be well - let me be well.

 

Goose bumps. And wet eyes.

I had to replay it - again and again.

And I got it. My heart finally understood that I had to stop wondering, stop asking, stop seeking and let what will be, be.

 

It is thy will be done.

It is que sera sera.

 

It is my new belief - that if my being sick enables me to awaken and expand and help others, then let me be sick; and if being well enables me to awaken and expand and help others, then let me be well.

 

This is the ultimate in letting go.

This is peace. 

This is freedom.

 

 



A work-in-process

I have always been of the belief that we are each a work-in-progress.

Evolving, changing, learning, growing, progressing - on a journey to becoming our best self.

But the concept of progress implies that there is a destination - a goal to reach; movement in a forward direction; arriving somewhere that's better than before.

When it came to my health, this was my goal - to rid myself of pain so that I can get on with my life; to conquer the obstacles to wellbeing so that I could get to the place where life is more peaceful and easier.

So much so that my desire to be free of pain became my number one priority. The destination was more important than the journey.  And it was proving detrimental.

My beautiful holistic healer Kiki reminded me yesterday that it is the process that counts.

"Pretend you are walking from here to Brisbane...doesn't matter how long it will take or how far away it is...
you will get there...just keep walking."

 

It is the process that matters, she tells me.

Practice! You have to practice...everyday!

 

Her wisdom wills me to believe that I can keep walking - that I can think good thoughts, that I can feel good again, that I can do the things that encourage wellness, that I can choose to be happy.

I had forgotten that practice is the goal. That practice is what gets us there. That practice and process are what counts - even though the sticky- note on my desk says so!

Every step, every choice, every thought, every action, all instrumental in helping me get there.


So I am now a work-in-process.
And I am going to just keep walking - one foot, then the other.