I'm a seeker - I'm curious about life and the stuff that happens to us and what we can do with it and how we can learn from it.
I consider this desire to be a healthy one. It assumes that I don't know which grants me the space to explore, to expand, to grow. Not knowing invites possibilities. It begs that I be inquisitive and open and aware. All great qualities to develop and enhance.
But there is part of me - yes the control freak - who wants to know the time, the weather, how long we'll be there for, what's on the menu, when we'll be back, what we're doing Saturday, Sunday, Monday...aaaarggghhh! That kind of wanting to know is different - I know.
Since I wrote last week's post I've been thinking a lot about control. It comes so easily and naturally to me that I can't imagine giving it up ; ) But I am smart enough to know that it's not all it's cracked up to be.
That kind of knowing - when, where, and how, down to the nth detail - leaves little room for spontaneity. It's all about structure and the purpose is purpose. There's no time to lose - every second counts. No wonder it feels like Groundhog Day. And what do you think that does to my creativity? My curiosity? It's like my openness and awareness have to fight for visiting rights and as for fun and frivolity... well these days they're rarely allowed out!
But I know what's going on here - I've studied myself for long enough to know there's more to it than wanting the power that comes with control - that's just an illusion. What it's covering is fear. Basically I'm scared.
I'm afraid of what could happen and that I won't cope with whatever that may be. Somewhere along the way I've lost faith in myself and my ability to handle what life throws at me. Knowing exactly what's going on and planning (controlling) as much as I can is my safety blanket - it helps me avoid (resist) unnecessary suffering.
If I do x then I'll get z which equals happiness. But does it?
Sigh. There are no guarantees.
So what do you think happens when I don't get the outcome I predicted?
You can probably picture it.
Let's just say it's not a pretty sight!
The reality is I end up stressed, which creates more suffering - the thing I was trying to avoid in the first place.
I think what's happened is I've forgotten who I am and what I believe.
It's time for an injection of faith - in myself and in this amazing thing called life that continues to provide me with everything I need to survive and thrive.
It's time to make friends with the fear.