...but tonight as I stood in my kitchen, while waiting for my humble melted wrap to cook, I decided to get up-to-date with the calendar on my fridge. It's one of those peel-the-day-away calendars full of ancient eastern wisdom (see the photo below - not the big page in the middle of the fridge, but the small square-ish one, top and centre).
I was about three weeks behind, and yes each new day revealed inspiring words that we should all be living by, but April 16 stood me still.
I think that's what I've been doing for the past 20 years - not just asking, willing the darkness to leave; wishing with all my might that the parts of me that I didn't like would disappear; kidding myself that if I ignored them, pretended they weren't there, then they didn't exist. And that I could go on with my life with my reputation intact.
But it doesn't work that way. What's hiding in the dark gets louder and bigger.
So, as Sogyal Rinpoche gently says, you must turn on the light.
Just over a year ago I turned on the light. I had to. I was at wit's end. My bowel had almost completely stopped and I was experiencing intense abdominal pain on a daily basis. I was facing two invasive operations - neither with a guaranteed positive outcome.
The situation was looking hopeless.
And then I found out about Chi Nei Tsang and searched frantically for a practitioner.
Two days on Google and two days before my appointment with the bowel surgeon, I found one. Kiki Chi. She made it ok for me to turn on the light. With love and compassion she helped me to hold it in my arms and my heart. I was able to look at and face all that I had disowned... and forgive.
And now I can't turn it off! And as painful as it is at times, I don't want to. I want to be friendly to the parts I do not like so that I can heal my body, but more importantly, my heart. So I can be real. And be ok with being who I am, and be more of who I am.
There's more to this story, much more, and I will share it with you bit by bit, I promise.
I just wanted to make the light a little brighter today xx